Who knew that a pair of sunglasses would lead to immediate stardom?
Obviously I knew this, as this was the reason why I choose to wear the Cruise Retro sunglasses that I received from my summer internship at Crestline to the 1st annual Sunglasses Competition that our local city was putting on.
This competition was all the rage that fateful day. The advertisements were everywhere. Sponsored by some company who really likes sun safety or really hates looking at people’s eyes, participants had to show up and proceed in a variety of challenges, all while wearing sunglasses. If they fell off your head, you were disqualified. The winner would win free sunglasses for life. I was hooked.
When I showed up, everyone had various brands, models, and looks of sunglasses on, like the sun was 10 feet to the ground or something. Some were comically gigantic; others way too small, a la Morpheus-from-the-Matrix style. I was feeling pretty good of my chances wearing my stylish, wayfarer design retro glasses, like Tom Cruise in Risky Business (but with more clothes on than just underwear).
The competition heated up quickly. Contenders were dropping almost as quickly as their sunglasses were. Some could literally not handle the fame and spotlight, or the actual spotlight positioned on your face during the “spotlight challenge”, and the glasses fell; or the “hot dog while wearing sunglasses eating competition” which proved to be a pair of sunglasses’ worst enemy, when the sweat created by the intense overload of digestion happening started to trickle downward from forehead into the eyes, and instinctual eye wipes would knock the glasses away.
Somehow, I made it through as a finalist. It was late, and my body was aching, my pupils all out of whack from excessive sunglasses wear. But I was a competitor, and I looked awesome, so I ventured on, determined to win for retro sunglasses-wearers everywhere. The last event was a durability circuit, where five people would in turns sit on your pair of sunglasses, and if by then end they still held their shape and UV ray defense, than you won.
And I did. Those glasses never budged or broke. “Durable” just got a new definition. I declined the prize of sunglasses for life, and walked into the sunset like some mythical Western hero, for with my pair of Cruise Retro sunglasses, I’ll never need new ones.